Simple is okay, too.

It goes without saying that this time of year can make it very challenging to stay mindful, to slow down and to simplify. There's just so much to do. Even working part-time and being very cognizant of my desire to maintain my priorities, I still feel stressed, rushed, and pressured around this time of year and every once in awhile, I fly totally off track.

Last weekend, I found myself awake at 11:30 pm, frantically cutting felt with a rotary cutter into (supposedly) 3 inch x 3 inch squares, to be sewn onto another large piece of felt and made into a beautiful handmade advent calendar. Did I mention I had already spent three weeks embroidering the numbers on those stupid felt squares already? Did I mention I haven't embroidered anything since I was eight?! The embroidery wasn't the issue, that part actually turned out ok. It was the 48 squares that I meticulously measured and cut out, only to find that they were somehow a multitude of different sizes.

At midnight, I said "screw it" and took out 24 kraft paper envelopes and drew numbers on them. I slipped in pieces of paper with activities like "drink hot chocolate" "buy a family a goat" and "drive around to look at neighborhood lights". The next day I bought a package of chocolate covered pretzels and decided to put 2 on each envelope every other day until the 24th.

My kids were thrilled.

 As my husband said as he shook his head at the rainbow-coloured felt carnage that surrounded me that night, kids don't give a shit about hand-embroidered advent calendars. Parents give a shit about hand-embroidered advent calendars. Now, don't get me wrong; I am all about handmade things. I strongly endorse making something yourself instead of buying it at the dollar store. I am very aware of the hidden costs involved in buying cheap things. And if cutting out felt with a rotary cutter at 11pm on November 30th brings you joy, you should absolutely do it.

But for those of us who would rather stick a hot poker in our eyeballs than ever touch a piece of felt again, its important to remember that simple is okay, too. Holidays have become very elaborate these days and for some crafty mamas, that brings them great joy. They genuinely love making professional-looking cakes, complicated themed decor, incredibly complex Halloween costumes and theatrical scenes for their Elf on a Shelf. Again, these parents should absolutely do this stuff if they want to. But lets acknowledge that its not a requirement for spreading holiday spirit and joy. Your child will not think you love them any less just because you chose to buy a cake this year instead of making it by hand, or if you give them an envelope each morning with an activity rather than an heirloom felt embroidered advent calendar. I think kids are really good at focusing on the spirit of the day rather than the "stuff" that comes along with it. I was thrilled as a child getting my grocery store advent calendar filled with crappy chocolate. Thrilled. Would I have been more thrilled with a calendar hand-woven with unicorn hair? Probably not.

While I don't agree with criticizing moms who do go to great lengths to create these things, I do think its important to think about what sort of message all the Pinterest-ey stuff is sending to us moms (and dads,too). I consider myself a fairly self-aware person who knows very well my strengths and weaknesses and yet I still attempted this hugely elaborate felt disaster, knowing deep down it was more for me than the kids. I'm still susceptible to the message that we as moms have to constantly do MORE.  Its out there. Its an insidious message and while nobody can make me feel inferior without my consent, it can be hard not to feel a little crappy when I'm surrounded with these images and claims that this is the stuff that makes the holidays magical for kids.

Another important point of consideration is that while I truly think we should each do what brings us happiness, anyone who suggests they create elaborate elf scenes and then posts pictures of it on social media is only doing it for their kids is perhaps not telling the whole story.

My point is simply that its ok to do things your own way, during the holidays and all year long. We all have our ways of sharing love with our families. I spend hours in the kitchen so as to not let a frozen pizza cross the threshold of this house. That's just one way that I give, because I love to cook and because healthy food is right at the top of my parenting priority list. That doesn't make me better than someone who eats food out of a box and it doesn't make me worse than someone who can create a magical forest scene out of a cake and some fondant. This season, try to guard yourself against the temptation to always do more. Instead, do what you love, with the people you love, and leave it at that.

This Food

"This food is a gift

of the whole universe;

the earth, the sky, and the sun.

We receive this food

in gratitude from all beings

who helped bring it to our table. 

And we will respond to those in need

with wisdom and compassion"

Slowly, we are introducing Buddhism to our kids. This week marks Rohatsu and next Monday is Bodhi Day, celebrated by Buddhists as the day the Buddha became enlightened. This holiday time of year is a wonderful time to remind ourselves of how very lucky we are to be able to nourish our bodies with healthy foods, and how many people and creatures help us to do that. 

The blessing above is a combination of one written by Thich Nhat Hanh and another one I came across on the internet.  I plan to introduce it at our Bodhi Day supper as we light a candle and think of the lessons the Buddha has taught. We are treading gently as we introduce new ideas and traditions to our kids, but being grateful for our food is a good first step along the path of the Middle Way.

Procrastination as Perfectionism

A wise person recently told me that procrastination is often just a symptom of perfectionism. As a lifelong procrastinator, who often bitterly attributed that characteristic to some kind of inherent laziness in myself, this was a whole new way of looking at myself.

I am a terrible procrastinator. It affects my work life, my ability to stay on top of housework, remembering kid activities and playdates, finding time to engage in my hobbies and interests, and most upsetting, my ability to intentionally live my true priorities. Its the real reason I don't blog as often as I'd like. Its why I often talk myself out of doing healthy things (exercising, avoiding junk food) and into unhealthy things (binge-watching Netflix, drinking too much wine).

I've always disliked this part of myself but have found it so hard to overcome. Probably because I was procrastinating! This part of my personality makes me feel sloppy, disorganized, immature, stressed out, and often like a failure.

So when I heard this piece of wisdom, I reflected on my own experience and yes, it does hold true. I spend a lot of time organizing myself by making lists and charts, schedules, routines and calendars and end up putting it all off because along comes a small bump in the road . I then tell myself that I'll start tomorrow. Tomorrow will be perfect. Of course, because life doesn't work that way, something pops up once again and I'm off the rails.

Nowhere has this been more evident for me than in my meditation practice. Most literature on meditation suggests doing it in the morning. I have visions of rising in peaceful silence at 5am and serenely meditating  while incense wafts in the air and my family sleeps.  In reality, I usually have at least one child  whose crawled into our bed over the course of the night sleeping on my head .  One or both of the kids probably woke me up, often multiple times, and usually just before my alarm is set to go off. Mornings are often cranky in our house and so there is no way on this green earth that I'm going to get 20 minutes to myself if either child is awake.  I could get up even earlier, but that's no guarantee because fairly frequently they decide to wake up at 4am for the day.

For the last six months, this has been a huge struggle for me. I really want to meditate early in the day, and ideally be able to enjoy a coffee in peace while doing some writing. But life is getting in the way and its just not happening. So rather than allowing myself the space to change the time of day that I meditate, I've just not been doing it at all or at the very least, doing it very infrequently. Not meditating, not connecting with that part of myself, really has a negative impact on my life. I need to prioritize it and make it happen, however imperfectly it may play out.

I've been reading an e-book by Leo Babauta which recommends making small changes each week throughout the year. The first change is adding a meditation practice, just a short one, whenever you can fit it in. This week, I've accepted that mornings are not working and I've been meditating in the evening after the kids are in bed, the house is quiet, and I can relax knowing no one is going to come into my room demanding a banana and Bubble Guppies. Its been lovely allowing myself this imperfect practice rather than demanding perfection or nothing at all.

A week for reflection

This past Wednesday I took the train into the city to see a new naturopath. I spent most of the right furiously refreshing Twitter as the horrific news of the day unfolded. I felt strangely vulnerable as I walked through the train station, unusually populated by uniformed police. And after my appointment, I felt a renewed sense of commitment to my family, myself and the values we are trying to live. I feel extremely blessed to be able to have such a fortunate life and to be so privileged as to spend some time making it even better.

My new naturopath is truly amazing and we made a collaborative plan that I'm sure will improve my overall health and ability to care for my family. Aside from some nutritional changes (so long, my dear coffee!), at the forefront of this plan is reducing stress which includes developing a more intentional waking and bedtime routine. And as I rode the train home, now filled with anxious faces and concerned whispers about the developing tragedy, I resolved to stop procrastinating and truly live my intentions. On this blog and in my life, I talk a good talk but I don't always walk the walk. I am an infuriatingly adept procrastinator and this often translates into endless lis-making and very little action.

I wrote down some intentions and some goals for living the life I want:
- a daily meditation practice, however short or interspersed
-a daily writing practice as well
- time spent doing things that nourish my body every single day, even on "rest" days
- nourshing my creative soul, recognizing my inherent artistic nature and cultivating that
- untethering myself from technology and looking people in the eye
- anytime I feel like procrastinating, asking myself "how about now?"
- practicing gratitude through journaling, every night before bed

Again, it is my immense privilege to be living a life that affords me the time and mental space to be able to contemplate and implement these changes. It is not lost on me that there are many who don't have this ability and during these challenging times, its even more important to live intentionally. I'll be lighting a candle tonight for those who've been wounded or lost this week in our capital city, as well as those who face struggles every single day.

Random Updates

I've been jotting down notes in my notebook daily, but always seem to be distracted at the last minute from posting here. A bit of what we've been up too...

Debt repayment has come back on track after a very spendy summer. Its true what they say about debt fatigue creeping in when you carry debt for a long period of time, and Jay in particular has struggled with the strict budget and feeling limited.  Our overspending for three months has meant that our repayment schedule is behind. In order to be debt-free by the end of the year as planned, we'd have to bring our budget even lower and I fear we'd rebel against the constraint. Instead, we've decided to change our repayment tactics. Rather than have everything set to auto-pay, we are keeping a small auto-transfer on payday into our spending account to cover the basics (groceries, gas, weekend entertainment) and putting $1000 to the debt that day.  The remaining money in the account goes to bills of course, and we will discuss any extras that come up over the subsequent two weeks. The idea will be to spend very little on extras, but allow ourselves some leeway for things like my birthday dinner, a drink with friends, etc. What's left in that account the eve of next payday will also go to the debt.

Our garden was a total bust this year. I've heard that from many green-thumbed friends this season so I know its not just us, but our harvest was miniscule. We've learned many lessons over the three summers we've been in this house and we're planning on changing the layout and structure of the garden next year. I'll also be taking on more of the gardening responsibility not only because my part-time work schedule makes it sensible for me to do so, but also because I'm the primary meal-planner and cook.

I'm really trying to be intentional about my priorities. When I write about what's important to me, its very clear: I want to have time each day with my family, time to exercise, time to create, time to meditate, time to write and time to read. Too often, I end up binge-watching Netflix and/or mindlessly surfing the web (sometimes often at the same time, while drinking wine). Ensuring that my daily activities reflect my intentions is going to be at the front of my mind over the coming months. 

I'm running in a 5K race this weekend and somehow committed to running the half-marathon with friends at the same race next fall. I'm very excited for drinks and dinner with friends as well as some time in the city, a full nights sleep in a hotel and of course, the race!

Project 333

Although I tend to jump into new things with both feet, minimalism is something I've been working at slowly. I was initially coming from a place of great excess, spending more than I was earning and using "things" to make me feel better about myself. I didn't see it then, but these days I'm often struck by how far I've come in my approach to consumerism and money. Mind you, I still have a long way to go.  Its not a race, its a process that can take a lifetime and in order to fully learn from the experience, I can't rush through it. So far, the journey has been messy, flawed and full of learning.

One of the areas of minimalism and simplicity that has always been difficult for me is paring down my closet, makeup and accessories. I've always been conflicted about these things; on the one hand, I've loved makeup and fashion since I was a little girl, on the other hand I don't like how important our appearance seems to be, particularly for women. There's two sides of me constantly debating the joys and merits of indulging in this guilty pleasure while recognizing its inherent superficiality. As a result, I've struggled to keep my clothing to a minimum and to truly embrace this aspect of living a simple life.

After grumping around one morning last week, lamenting once again that I had "nothing" to wear, I stumbled on Project 333 again. I've read about this concept before and thought it sounded like a great idea, but I wasn't really interested. Something about it spoke to me this week though, and I decided to give it a shot. Two days ago I picked out 33 items from my closet including clothes and accessories (I didn't include shoes because I love them too much. Baby steps.) I boxed up the rest and vowed to wear only these 33 items (not including outerwear, underwear and gym clothe

s) for the next three months.

Already, I'm amazed at how peaceful I feel looking at my closet, with so much empty space and so few choices. I'm amazed at how many combinations I've already thought of for those few items, and how much easier it is to get dressed in the morning. I'm hoping I'll learn alot over the next few months about what I really like and don't like. I'm hoping I can redefine the word "need" when it comes to clothes, and find a way to embrace both fashion and simplicity.

The space between

Lately, I've been craving two concepts: space, and peace. These thoughts have crept into my mind repeatedly over the summer.

I've been feeling a constant drive to clear out my house, declutter my mind, strip down my possessions and silence the noise.  I used to write all the time, when I was younger. These days my tired momma brain feels to weary to chug to life in front of the keyboard or even to bring pen to paper before closing my eyes at night. The words don't come as easily, dulled by chronic sleep deprivation combined with seemingly endless to do lists and worsened by lack of practice.

Time seems short and there's always too much to do.

I've struggled with blogging over the years although I long to maintain a consistent writing practice. Writing is, for me, a spiritual exercise. I've debated giving up on the whole idea many times, but just when I'm about to throw in the towel my energy is renewed and I decide to continue. Perhaps its a sign that I need to write.

Our simplicity journey has been challenged this summer. We've caught ourselves spending too much, wasting time, avoiding the garden that just didn't want to grow this year, exhausted by life and raising kids and forgetting our goal of being more self-sufficient. I've felt overwhelmed so many times with the seemingly monumental task of just keeping everyone fed and the house in relative order.

I'm hoping that the change of seasons will help us remember our goals and gently nudge ourselves back onto our path. I'm hoping this will bring the space, the peace I so desperately want. I've bought myself a journal so that I can steal a few moments each day to write and reflect and hopefully share some of those thoughts on this blog. I'm reminding myself is the journey, not the destination.